Elvis didn’t know why His foot wore a black veil to be away from the world. People asked Him, “Whose foot is that with the veil?” Embarrassed, He’d say “I don’t know I don’t know!” One day a passing truck blew the veil away. Startled, they stared at one another. “It is good my foot,” He said, “You will have a new life.” Next morning His foot was wearing a pink and yellow suit with gold and silver buttons.
Dear Elvis, I work in a gay and lesbian bookstore in Philadelphia. There’s a 6 and a half foot lesbian who shops here who looks like a cross between You and Golda Meir. She was flattered on hearing this comparison. She’s invited me to play golf with her, she LIVES for golf! I think I’ll go, just to see the old men react when she screams and bellows while swinging her club.
That’s all for now.
P.S. Did you know there are no lesbian romance titles that begin with the letter R? Sometimes it makes me sad as a round dog caught in a tidal flush (as my Gramma would say). But sometimes I’m elated for the possibilities of R in the realm of women who love women. If You were a woman Elvis, You’d be a lesbian no doubt, and no doubt understand. Wish You had lived to do a duet with K. D. Lang.
Yours,
CAConrad
“The quavering, sensual voice of Elvis Presley is coming from the juke-box in lonesome, sad, sustained, orgasmic moans….”
—from City of Night, by John Rechy
While catching a breath between “Jailhouse Rock” and “Don’t Be Cruel” in His famous 1968 Comeback Concert, Elvis picks up the mike stand like a harpoon and shouts “MOBY DICK!”
Why would Elvis reference Melville between “Jailhouse Rock” and “Don’t Be Cruel” ????? I’m sitting on the bank of the Mississippi, Arkansas is on the other side. I’m staring at the colors of the setting sun on the passing river like I’m running out of time, like I need to find the cure, “Moby Dick? MobyDickMobyDickMobyDick. Hm.” You can stare at the passing Mississippi all you want but Melville won’t come any clearer.
“Consider, once more, the universal cannibalism of the sea; all whose creatures prey upon each other, carrying on eternal war since the world began.”
—Herman Melville
The truth of the matter is if Elvis and Priscilla ever had a yard sale on the long lawns of Graceland they would have sold everything in three minutes, customers screaming, crushing one another to buy the King’s used socket wrenches and ashtrays. It used to take me hours to sell only half the things my mother wanted to get rid of. We had a set of Sonny & Cher napkin rings that always wound up back in the attic ‘til next summer’s yard sale. For five years I put on my finest Capricorn salesmanship, “And over here, ma’am, we have a lovely set of Sonny & Cher napkin rings.” None of our yard sale customers ever had dinner events fancy enough to employ the likes of Sonny & Cher napkin rings. Of course neither did we, that’s why we wanted someone else to get stuck never using them. A set of Sonny & Cher napkin rings at Elvis’ yard sale would have been swiped up by some shrieking, weeping yard sale customer. If Elvis had dropped by my own yard sale and just touched my Sonny & Cher napkin rings they would have been transformed into the Sonny & Cher Touched By Elvis Napkin Rings. Every one of my shrieking, weeping yard sale customers (it was very uncommon for me to ever have shrieking, weeping yard sale customers) would have wanted one of the eight Sonny & Cher Touched By Elvis Napkin Rings. No one would have had a complete set! Yeah, Elvis would have been a big help back then. But He had His own successful three-minute yard sale to worry about. Only a few other Americans could have had yard sales as successful as Elvis’—the president for instance—as long as he was still in office; no one wants to buy used rollerskates from an ex-president. I wonder if Jackie O was ever given a complimentary set of Sonny & Cher napkin rings? When she smiled for a photograph with them in her hands they would have become the Sonny & Cher Touched By Jackie O While Being Photographed Napkin Rings. Is it true there were also Elvis & Priscilla napkin rings? Did Sonny & Cher have a set?
“The President lives in Washington, D.C., but the King is from Memphis!”
—graffiti on the Graceland Wall