Amy Saul-Zerby: You Should Probably Quit Your Job

when telling your friends
about work is the only good thing about it.

You should probably quit your job
when you are spending almost as much as you are making at your job
on healthcare.

But most importantly, you should quit your job
when your job involves reading porn in an office setting
for 45 hours a week.

Because after the eleventh werewolf threesome, when you are wondering
if it would have killed you to major in economics
instead of English and creative writing,

when nipples are hard little peaks, and for some reason,
cum tastes like sunshine and rainbows, and women
have twelve orgasms per sexual encounter,

you will want to scream, “HAVE THE READERS OF EROTIC ROMANCE
NOVELS NEVER HAD SEX?”

And then you think, ‘maybe werewolf cum does taste like sunshine’
You don’t know anything anymore
but you know things you never wanted to
like what “figging” is.

It is exactly what you would never imagine
unless you are that one friend I went home and told about it
who already knew and I will always be suspicious of forever.

For the rest of you:
figging involves ginger root being inserted in places
where, in my humble opinion, it is not necessary for ginger root to be.

If you don’t believe me that this is a thing people do,
look that shit up:
it is terrifying
and has its own wikipedia entry.

All I am saying is
when your job requires you to know things like that,

when you are getting paid ten dollars an hour to make sure cum
the noun is spelled with a U, and come the verb is spelled as though
it was a word that belonged in a literary novel,

which you no longer can bring yourself to read in your spare time
because you have always just spent eight hours reading

and you want to come home and watch mindless sitcoms and pretend
that sex doesn’t exist

you should maybe,
probably,
definitely
think about quitting your job.



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